A close friend is getting ready to send her youngest child off to college. She's also thinking about what she wants to do with her life now that her children are no longer her full-time job. Aside from the necessity of having to earn a living, she could do just about anything she wanted to do. But she seems to be stymied by the sheer number of choices, of possibilities. A huge chapter of her life as an adult is coming to a close but the next part is not yet ready to begin.
I can understand her hesitation. My partner of 13 years died two years ago. Although the rational part of me knows he is gone, the emotional part is not yet ready to accept it. I miss him at the most mundane times, when I'm listening to the radio or reading the newspaper or driving home. I miss telling him about my day and receiving his helpful advice. I miss hearing his compliments (even when they were generous). I miss listening to his invariably well-informed but skeptical opinions about whatever is the current political scandal. I miss the traveling we did together and seeing the world through his eyes. I know this chapter of my life has ended but I'm not ready yet to move on. I don't feel I really understand this part of my life yet and until I do, I'm not ready to go to the next part.
Change can be good when we move toward something--a new job, a new relationship, a new life. I had always looked forward to the changes in my life. Moving to a new city or taking a new job was exciting and invigorating. But sometimes we have to hang on to the past a while, to assimilate it, before we can be ready to move on. Sometimes change is only running away from the past. Act too soon, too thoughtlessly and you run the risk of living from habit rather than from choice.
What to do next? Sometimes sitting still and dreaming is enough.
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